I Need Connection

7647489500_0a9d581a66_k.jpg

It’s so much easier to write the resolution than the journey. But sometimes, in the moment of clarity you can see in retrospect what you needed. We continue forward, with the idea that we know what we’re doing, but often we don’t know what we were looking for until we find it.

This past week was difficult. With multiple final papers due, my schedule is wiped clean so I can sit down and write, research, repeat. I have a mixed relationship with writing essays. On one hand, there are great things to be learned in forming an idea using other people’s ideas. But mostly, this week I have denied myself most of what makes me feel whole in order to meet deadlines. And sometimes, that’s life.

This week, and many others, I forget how incredibly important it is to simply connect with another human. To be able to express the confusion and sorrow that we are feeling, and to hear that someone else feels it too. To my dear friend Anna, thank you for reminding me of what I had forgotten.

I hate loneliness. I hate it because it fills so much of our lives. It’s the reason I’ll have music playing wherever I go. It’s the reason there is always a tv on, a phone in hand, or a computer screen open. We live in a way that praises self-accomplishment, and individuality. We pride ourselves on our uniqueness, but at the same time we are terrified of being different enough that people won’t want us around. I try to find the balance everyday of satisfying the parts of me that want to be expressed fully, while trying to be normal enough so as not to stick out too much. And it’s not because I don’t know who I am. It’s because sometimes I’m not always sure who to be in the world.

But I live within this paradigm as if I understand its purpose. To achieve, to succeed, to compete, to be the best.
Because nothing, absolutely nothing is more satisfying to me than sitting across from someone who says “Yeah. I understand. I’ve been there” Nothing beats revealing the parts of you that are scared, insecure, overwhelmed and exhausted and for someone to recognize that within themselves. To be with someone in the depths of life, not just the surface. I’m so tired of walking around acting like i’ve got my shit together, like I’m on a train of amazingness and there’s no stopping me!
Or, on the other hand, connecting with others only by means of complaining. Of how life isn’t giving me what I wanted, and how I’m annoyed, angry or indifferent. When I am unable to express my real feelings and experiences with others, they get bottled up in my head and I begin not to trust myself. With no affirmation, no outward processing, no connection, I become the enemy of my own mind. I think that I must be doing something to feel this way, or else I blame the only good things in my life that I could place blame (aka my partner). I’m left up to my own devices, and let me tell you they are limited. Because I am just one experience. I am just one perspective. And I can’t fix everything myself.

I want to re-label “anxiety” with “need connection”. Because then I wouldn’t be able to cut myself short by saying “I’m going to stay in because I’m feeling anxious”. What’s really happening is I desperately need connection, but maybe i’m scared to be vulnerable. Maybe I’m convinced that I’ll figure it out on my own.

No. That’s not it Em, stop trying to be your own therapist.

I NEED CONNECTION. I need to joke about the ridiculousness of trying to write about the history of a marginalized group, as if “they” have one, a complete and documented story that can be told within 500 words. I need to talk about how I can’t stand walking into a classroom to sit beside one another to learn about how to show “empathy” when we could be connecting with one another and actually experiencing it. I need to talk about how I’ve been so emotionally overwhelmed that I try to control it by telling my partner he’s being selfish. I need to talk about how I want community, how I want to know people. I need to talk about how I don’t know how to navigate a world of “how are you” “fine” because all I want to say is “I am so freaking overwhelmed right now.”

I need connection. I need people. I need someone to say “Hey, it makes sense that you’re feeling that way, sounds like you have a lot on your plate”. Because yeah, I have a LOT going for me, and life COULD be worse, BUT THAT’S NOT A REASON TO DENY YOUR FEELINGS.

Because I am feeling. I am always, feeling. And I’m tired of just thinking about it. Labeling it “in my head” or “my mind is racing” and trying to push it away. Maybe our erratic minds and constant need to be doing something is because we are terrified to face the fact that we are lonely, and everybody else is busy.

I know people make a lot of empty promises these days. We make plans and cancel, we put that we “might” go to things on Facebook, and we settle for harmless, easy, conversation. But if you feel like talking about what’s really happening in you life, or what you’re feeling, or what you just realized, or what you’re really excited about, and you don’t know who to tell, I would really love to hear it. My email is emily.scott93@gmail.com, and since I am a university student, my computer is open almost all hours of the day. Feel free to email me the real “how are you” and I’d love to chat.

Alternatively, if you don’t feel like talking to me because a. you don’t know me b. you don’t want to email your feelings to someone on the internet… then please, if you need connection like I do, find the people in your life that care about you and let them know you need them. I don’t think we are good at needing people these days, but I’ll be the first to say that I do. And every area of my life starts crumbling down when I forget that.

Advertisements

YOU ARE WORTH IT

Image

You are worth it.

Every tear, every fear
every time you feel burdened to be better
every time you fight artificial reality
every hurt, unwelcomed yet accepted.

We can come to trust that life isn’t fit for us. Like we don’t belong into
the world we were brought into,
as if it was for somebody else.
That somebody else that we try to become, the one that creates a comfortably numb, lonely one with the one that is the world.
To be the same, just to be sane, confusing security with what remains.
A disconnect between who we are and what we’re not, as if the answer is in our failures until we seek them not.
As if we knew all along, but failed to comprehend.
As if it is as easy as pressing a button to be on the other side of the canyon, looking back at man like “what happened, I made it”

If this self is all we’ve got, we better learn to enjoy it.
You will never escape it no matter how much you want it.
A body to hold your soul, lest it crack under the pressure.
Let it be wholesome and treasured, like a diamond in the rough.

Life is rough, but there is beauty in it. If pleasure had no opposite, pleasurably I decline. For this life is mine to define, yet not by what I am not.

I have forgot, I have lost. Who I am right now in search of what I have not caught.
It is not a sickness to be had, nor a cure to be sought, it is an acceptance of the fact that you are worth every, single second that you got.

So stop saying you aren’t worth it.
Stop saying you aren’t good enough.
Stop saying it like you mean it, I don’t believe you
You have purpose.
Stop letting yourself be less than, what you have every right to be.
Stop forgetting that you deserve it, because you are meant to be free.
Stop saying they are better, for are they not human too?
You have the same mind to comprehend, what is equally yours too.

You are worth it.
You are loved.
You are a name, a soul, a self-seeking mystery.
You are amazing, just because you are the first to be you.
You are the purpose, for the pain,
a redeemer of shame.
You are one, who is loved.
You are all of the above.

 

Twitter: Beloved_Blog

Email: info@be-loved.net

 

If all else fails, I AM ALIVE.

I am alive. I am breathing and I am here.

I have goals, dreams and desires. I have ambitions and passions that inspire me to move forward. I have health and opportunity. I am fortunate in more ways than one. I can be blessed, hopeful and happy.

Image

Yet I am confused, lonely and desperate. I have felt rejected, worthless, unhappy and scared. I have been lost, and I have felt emptiness. I have felt hatred, betrayal, anger and sadness. I have seen life as a burden, lacking enough effort to succeed. I have struggled to fit in, to be unique, to find answers and to ask the right questions. I have felt jealous, belittled and ignored. I have felt an overwhelming lack of desire, and loss of interest. I have felt pain for others, and sat with defeated wonder at the chaos of the world. I have felt frustration at the sheer lack of good. I have felt unworthy, unqualified and misunderstood. I have disliked myself, and felt the sting of self-rejection. I have learned to grab hold of pain when it is stronger than joy. I have mourned and felt sorrow and regret.

I have. I felt.

I AM… alive.

I have a heart that keeps beating through all of it.
I have friends that keep listening.
I have a new day tomorrow, and I CAN start over.
I cannot change the past, but I CAN change the future.
I am good at things, valuable things.
I can think for myself, and I can decide what is true about me.
I can be adventurous. I AM adventurous.

I can learn, grow and develop.
I can laugh… oh how I can laugh.
I can choose love, and I can let it in.
I can choose acceptance.
I can choose to be hopeful.
I can choose life.

I can. I will. I am.

If all else fails, I am alive.

What are your “I can, I will and I am statements” ?
Because you can, you will and you ARE.

Subscribe for more!

 

 

My Inner Bully: Deepika Jeyakumaran

I have a beautiful friend named Deepika. She is full of joy, laughter and depth. I have been learning a lot from her on what it means to really be loved. I’m excited to share this poem with you written by her. May you be encouraged to fight back with courage and hope. Love you deeps!

Image

Unseen. Unheard. Unwanted.

The hurt of my past lingered and created this bully inside of me.

She haunted me with thoughts that told me I was unlovable, unworthy.

She weighed me down and trapped me.

But no one knew as I hid her underneath the mask of my smile.

Deeper and deeper I fell into the darkness that she swallowed me in.

But then it took just one hand to reach out and help me.

When this happened, a glimmer of light appeared.

The light gave me hope.

The light gave me courage.

To fight her, my inner bully. 

So I unmasked the pain inside me and I realized I did not have to fight her alone 

as I felt the loving embrace of those who truly care about me.

Now I try to live the happy life that I was meant to, and re-tell this story

In hopes that you know, you do not have to fight your inner bully alone 🙂 

 

VIDEO: You’re Beautiful

I wrote this song before I started this blog. It was this song that led to me begin writing about the idea of loving ourselves. I don’t think that a lot of people really see themselves as beautiful, but maybe if we were able to truly believe it we could see how incredibly important we are. Not simply for our appearance, but that our whole person is valuable. That every part of us deserves to be appreciated and loved no matter what. So I hope these words inspire you, and I hope you will believe them. These words are for you if you have ever looked at yourself in the mirror and not liked what you saw. They are for everyone who has felt inferior, unlovable, lonely and unimportant. The loudest voice you might hear is your own telling you these things but they are so far from the truth.

Like this song? Grab it on iTunes 🙂

https://itunes.apple.com/ca/album/youre-beautiful-single/id828043272

I love you all, thanks for checking it out!

Taking A Break From Self-Improvement

Image

Be your best.

Do your best.

Find happiness and success.

There are thousands of self help books, sites and videos. Everyone wants to be their

“best self”

But what if it wasn’t about who you needed to be, but instead being okay with who you are?

Be the most fit, most healthy, most successful, most happy that you’ve ever been. Achieve happiness and live up to your full potential… ahh the dream.
We have this idea that there’s a point where it will all fall into place.
I want that. You probably want that. Of course, I mean who wouldn’t?

I could try and make all of this about self-help, the path to success (yeah, as if I know anything about success at 20 years old).
Even if I did feel I fit the criteria to inspire that kind of motivation, I think there’s something that most of us need first.

What if right now all you want is to be okay?
What if to you, self-help just means getting yourself to make it through each day of school, work or life?
What if you don’t even know what your dreams are, or what you want?
What if you do know what you want, but there’s no chance you would ever have the confidence to go for it?
What if life is overwhelming enough, let alone trying to be fit, healthy, happy and successful?

Sometimes it seems like other people are already so far ahead, what’s the point in even trying?

It’s easy for me to write with success as the goal. To tell you that if you just believe in yourself your life will be great, to just follow your dreams and it will all work out. But I don’t know that. Furthermore, I don’t know if anything is that easy.

Self-improvement is great, and it’s worthwhile to be looking ahead and trying new things. There are always things that we can improve on and learn if we so desire.
But sometimes… it feels like that’s the only option. This overwhelming pressure to move forward. And if you’re not going anywhere then you’re stuck, you’re doing something wrong.
Many people have the energy to achieve, improve, succeed. It seems like some never stop. And that can be really intimidating.

Because sometimes we don’t even believe that we deserve to be our best self.

As I wrestle with what this blog is really about, what my main idea is, what I ultimately want you to know, it’s this:

It’s not about who you need to be, it’s about being okay with who you are first.
It’s not about being strong and motivated, it’s about first knowing that you’re struggles don’t make you weak.

It’s not about seeking perfection, it’s about shaking the idea that you have to be perfect.

Because motivation doesn’t work if you don’t feel you have a reason to be motivated. So before all of that, before setting goals, making plans or discovering your calling, I believe you need to be loved.

You need to know that you are loved without being defined as “successful”.
You need to know that you are loved when you don’t have it all figured out.
You need to know that you are loved when you have no freaking idea why you’re here on this earth.

When you’re overwhelmed with all of the things you need to be, or do, or become, just stop for a second.
Are you okay with where you are?
If not, maybe it’s time to put your gym schedule on hold, and go for coffee with that friend you’ve been meaning to talk to.
Or write down how you’re feeling.
Or connect with a counsellor.
Or treat yourself to a day of being unproductive.

You need to know that your best self is when you are okay with being yourself. It’s hard. I’m not there, not even close.
But I believe that’s what will allow you achieve your dreams with confidence, rather than out of obligation and desperation.
Your best self isn’t what you achieve, it’s loving what you are.
The rest will come.

Photo Attribution: Atos

You Matter

This is a poem that I wrote. You matter so much. I hope that it inspires you and makes you feel loved today.

Let me know what you think! Comment below, and email subscribe for new posts each week !

Words:

You matter because I said so
please hear these words
you matter because you are alive and breathing
and you are more than what you’ve endured

You matter because you have what’s never been before,
every laugh
every smile
everything you do is unique, it’s important, you’re beautiful
down to the core

You matter, in this moment, not in the next after you make it through
Not after that win,
not after you give in,
but right now before anything you do

You matter to me, to them, to us,
 Don’t say it’s me, because it’s we
You’re  never alone in this

You mattered since day one
since your days have been recorded
and it doesn’t take a man to see the art for it be a masterpiece
all that matters to the artist is that it’s created
he made it
and he likes what he sees

You matter for what you’ve done
For what you haven’t yet, just let it be,
There’s a light shining from you that you can’t even see
But it’s there,
it’s bright,
it shines through the night and
the best part is you don’t even need to ignite it,

You matter even when you don’t believe it
because reality isn’t based on when we’re aware
even if you never knew it
there are people who care

You matter because we’re in this together
even though it seems like separately we fight
all our battles, all our scars
we share them in one way or another
And one day, it’ll be made right

If you could know one thing for the rest of your days
If you could hear anything I say, it’s this
Know you matter,
you’re needed and you can’t ever lose that
You have a heart that is beating, for a reason
please just hear that.
Don’t you be defeated by the things that can and will pass.
no amount of hurt or brokenness,
failure or success,
your worst days or your best,
what you wanted to be or everything you think you’ve missed,
could ever
erase, this
love.

Step Into The Light

Image

I can’t control where I was born. I can’t control what color my eyes are. I can’t control the life of those that I love. I can’t control storms, or natural disasters, or harm to my family.

Sometimes it feels like it’s all out of my control. And that’s scary.

But I CAN control how I feel about myself. 

It’s not easy. Heck, most of the time it feels just as hard as it would trying to hold a tornado back from destroying your home. 

I often feel inadequate. Unsure, insecure, too sure of failure. And the more I believe those things, the more they appear to become true. The storm seems bigger when you’re chasing it, and the darkness is terrifying when you don’t bring a flashlight.

When I let my emotions take over, I think they choose the bad over the good, maybe because the bad often tugs a little harder. It’s easier to hold on to because it’s powerful and demands nothing except acceptance of it.

But if you can consciously believe that you truly deserve to experience the good, and that it is always within you, when the bad starts to tug, you can tug back. It’s so important in times of peace and happiness to want to stay there. To cherish that place and know it is where you belong, not where you visit.

In one of my favorite songs ‘Emphasis’ by Sleeping at Last, there’s a line that says:

‘A speck of light can reignite the sun

And swallow darkness whole.’

So today I challenge you to create that ‘speck of light’ and beat out the darkness.

Talk to someone who you can be honest with, someone who sees the good in you when you don’t see it in yourself. And if you don’t have someone, I am here to listen. Send me a text (289 808 4804), or a message.

You deserve to be heard, to experience the light, no matter what.

 

I love hearing thoughts, so my question for you today is:

What keeps you from believing in the good? What have you done to gain control of your emotions?