I Need Connection

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It’s so much easier to write the resolution than the journey. But sometimes, in the moment of clarity you can see in retrospect what you needed. We continue forward, with the idea that we know what we’re doing, but often we don’t know what we were looking for until we find it.

This past week was difficult. With multiple final papers due, my schedule is wiped clean so I can sit down and write, research, repeat. I have a mixed relationship with writing essays. On one hand, there are great things to be learned in forming an idea using other people’s ideas. But mostly, this week I have denied myself most of what makes me feel whole in order to meet deadlines. And sometimes, that’s life.

This week, and many others, I forget how incredibly important it is to simply connect with another human. To be able to express the confusion and sorrow that we are feeling, and to hear that someone else feels it too. To my dear friend Anna, thank you for reminding me of what I had forgotten.

I hate loneliness. I hate it because it fills so much of our lives. It’s the reason I’ll have music playing wherever I go. It’s the reason there is always a tv on, a phone in hand, or a computer screen open. We live in a way that praises self-accomplishment, and individuality. We pride ourselves on our uniqueness, but at the same time we are terrified of being different enough that people won’t want us around. I try to find the balance everyday of satisfying the parts of me that want to be expressed fully, while trying to be normal enough so as not to stick out too much. And it’s not because I don’t know who I am. It’s because sometimes I’m not always sure who to be in the world.

But I live within this paradigm as if I understand its purpose. To achieve, to succeed, to compete, to be the best.
Because nothing, absolutely nothing is more satisfying to me than sitting across from someone who says “Yeah. I understand. I’ve been there” Nothing beats revealing the parts of you that are scared, insecure, overwhelmed and exhausted and for someone to recognize that within themselves. To be with someone in the depths of life, not just the surface. I’m so tired of walking around acting like i’ve got my shit together, like I’m on a train of amazingness and there’s no stopping me!
Or, on the other hand, connecting with others only by means of complaining. Of how life isn’t giving me what I wanted, and how I’m annoyed, angry or indifferent. When I am unable to express my real feelings and experiences with others, they get bottled up in my head and I begin not to trust myself. With no affirmation, no outward processing, no connection, I become the enemy of my own mind. I think that I must be doing something to feel this way, or else I blame the only good things in my life that I could place blame (aka my partner). I’m left up to my own devices, and let me tell you they are limited. Because I am just one experience. I am just one perspective. And I can’t fix everything myself.

I want to re-label “anxiety” with “need connection”. Because then I wouldn’t be able to cut myself short by saying “I’m going to stay in because I’m feeling anxious”. What’s really happening is I desperately need connection, but maybe i’m scared to be vulnerable. Maybe I’m convinced that I’ll figure it out on my own.

No. That’s not it Em, stop trying to be your own therapist.

I NEED CONNECTION. I need to joke about the ridiculousness of trying to write about the history of a marginalized group, as if “they” have one, a complete and documented story that can be told within 500 words. I need to talk about how I can’t stand walking into a classroom to sit beside one another to learn about how to show “empathy” when we could be connecting with one another and actually experiencing it. I need to talk about how I’ve been so emotionally overwhelmed that I try to control it by telling my partner he’s being selfish. I need to talk about how I want community, how I want to know people. I need to talk about how I don’t know how to navigate a world of “how are you” “fine” because all I want to say is “I am so freaking overwhelmed right now.”

I need connection. I need people. I need someone to say “Hey, it makes sense that you’re feeling that way, sounds like you have a lot on your plate”. Because yeah, I have a LOT going for me, and life COULD be worse, BUT THAT’S NOT A REASON TO DENY YOUR FEELINGS.

Because I am feeling. I am always, feeling. And I’m tired of just thinking about it. Labeling it “in my head” or “my mind is racing” and trying to push it away. Maybe our erratic minds and constant need to be doing something is because we are terrified to face the fact that we are lonely, and everybody else is busy.

I know people make a lot of empty promises these days. We make plans and cancel, we put that we “might” go to things on Facebook, and we settle for harmless, easy, conversation. But if you feel like talking about what’s really happening in you life, or what you’re feeling, or what you just realized, or what you’re really excited about, and you don’t know who to tell, I would really love to hear it. My email is emily.scott93@gmail.com, and since I am a university student, my computer is open almost all hours of the day. Feel free to email me the real “how are you” and I’d love to chat.

Alternatively, if you don’t feel like talking to me because a. you don’t know me b. you don’t want to email your feelings to someone on the internet… then please, if you need connection like I do, find the people in your life that care about you and let them know you need them. I don’t think we are good at needing people these days, but I’ll be the first to say that I do. And every area of my life starts crumbling down when I forget that.

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Taking some time off to re-claim my self worth

I need to be honest.

I love writing this blog. I love encouraging people, and I love the feeling that I am able to do so. But I also love getting encouragement. Sometimes so much so that I put too much effort into doing so. I also fear being a hypocrite.

I put a lot of work into writing music and blogs that will be helpful to other people, but sometimes I forget to follow the things that I am saying or “practice what I preach” you might say.

Lately I have felt extremely encouraged by many family and friends. As awesome as that has been, it has made me perhaps too dependant on the online world for recognition. Waking up to check any and all social networks for potential responses. Hoping to see that little red notification pop up on Facebook.

Don’t get me wrong, I mean EVERY single word that I say on here. But I also stress honesty and I realized today that I need to be honest with myself. I need to believe that I am loved without all of the things that I do. I need to believe that I matter beyond what I am capable of accomplishing. I need to believe that people care about more than what I excel at.

I need to be loved by loving myself.

I think in order to do that I need to take some time off. Time off of trying to achieve everything I set my mind to. Time off of self-improvement. Time off of constantly being connected to everyone.

To all of the wonderful people that have been there to encourage me and support me. I appreciate you, I love you and I have been uplifted by you, so thank you.

And so I will try to redirect my time towards my relationships, my academics (reluctantly) and my real, personal goals. I still plan to continue working towards all of the things that drive my passion, but I know that I need to do it for the right reasons.

If you need to contact me, please email me at info@be-loved.net or emily.scott93@gmail.com
or text me: 289-808-4804.

I would absolutely love to hear from you, I really would.
As far as my online presence, it’s time for a break. I will be back soon 🙂

While I’m gone, here’s a throwback to You Matter, for anyone who needs to be encouraged or affirmed that they are truly important.

You Are A Gift

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You are a gift.

Christmas is all about giving, be it gifts or donations or cheer, above the societally superficial aspects of the holidays, it is centred around the idea of giving.

This Christmas, you should know that who you are is a gift.

Sounds cheesy, sure. But it’s easy to forget that.
It’s easy to think we need to give and give and give, all our money, time and effort in order to have value. That we must put on the perfect show each Christmas, hide all our problems and give until we can’t give anymore.
It seems Christmas can find us on either end of a giving spectrum. It can make us so consumed with the idea that we need so much, and cause disappointment if we don’t get what we presume to deserve. But it can also cause us to exhaust ourselves with the stress and responsibility of giving.

Stop for a second and know that people need… you.

Gifts can be a way of expressing that, but not many people are quick to express aloud…
“you are a gift to me, I hope this present may be a physical representation of my love for you”
Maybe that’s what this season of giving should come back to. Maybe it should be focused on celebrating the people around us and the gifts that they are to us.
If you like to show that celebration through physical possessions, so be it.
If you choose to show it through dedicating your time, so be it.
But let the people in your life know how much of a gift they are to you, and I hope you receive the same.
It’s easier for us to buy each other presents and nice things, it’s harder to declare our love and appreciation for one another. It’s easier to hand over your money, it’s harder to hand over your heart. But when we treat each other as true gifts, we become aware of what we need and not what we want.

Even if Christmas dinner overcooks,
even if Wal-mart is sold out of the toy you were certain would be the perfect gift
Even if you’re not celebrating Christmas
Even if Christmas becomes less about giving and more about getting grief for what you didn’t do
Even if the holiday season is anything but a holiday for you

You don’t need it to be perfect. You just need to be here.

Each person in my family is truly a gift, and I probably don’t tell them enough, but if Christmas Day just involved us all hanging out for the whole day, that would be a gift enough for me. But… I also love showing them my appreciation through gifts, and hopefully with those gifts we can be reminded more of our true value rather than simply the monetary value that each present may hold.

As I’ve said before, you matter. Show others that they matter too. However you do it best.

Give love this holiday season.

For those afraid of the stress of the holiday season, check out this sweet article on surviving the holidays… including tips to those who are struggling with a mental illness.

What does christmas mean to you?? Comment below!

Happy Holidays to you all, thank you for reading this blog, I truly hope it has encouraged you in some way. If you want to know more / chat / say hi / email me! info@be-loved.net

Photo Attribution: Scott Morris

You Matter – FREE Audio and Poster

Hi friends!

Here is a poster with the lyrics of You Matter, download, desktop it and be encouraged!

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And in case you were like “man, I just want to listen to it on my iPod/Mp3 player/Walkman” I got your back. 

Here is the audio!

Let me know if you have problems downloading! (Hint: right click and hit ‘download linked file’ … if you’re on a PC… well i’m not sure what you do)

I hope your Tuesday is fantastic. 

 

You Matter

This is a poem that I wrote. You matter so much. I hope that it inspires you and makes you feel loved today.

Let me know what you think! Comment below, and email subscribe for new posts each week !

Words:

You matter because I said so
please hear these words
you matter because you are alive and breathing
and you are more than what you’ve endured

You matter because you have what’s never been before,
every laugh
every smile
everything you do is unique, it’s important, you’re beautiful
down to the core

You matter, in this moment, not in the next after you make it through
Not after that win,
not after you give in,
but right now before anything you do

You matter to me, to them, to us,
 Don’t say it’s me, because it’s we
You’re  never alone in this

You mattered since day one
since your days have been recorded
and it doesn’t take a man to see the art for it be a masterpiece
all that matters to the artist is that it’s created
he made it
and he likes what he sees

You matter for what you’ve done
For what you haven’t yet, just let it be,
There’s a light shining from you that you can’t even see
But it’s there,
it’s bright,
it shines through the night and
the best part is you don’t even need to ignite it,

You matter even when you don’t believe it
because reality isn’t based on when we’re aware
even if you never knew it
there are people who care

You matter because we’re in this together
even though it seems like separately we fight
all our battles, all our scars
we share them in one way or another
And one day, it’ll be made right

If you could know one thing for the rest of your days
If you could hear anything I say, it’s this
Know you matter,
you’re needed and you can’t ever lose that
You have a heart that is beating, for a reason
please just hear that.
Don’t you be defeated by the things that can and will pass.
no amount of hurt or brokenness,
failure or success,
your worst days or your best,
what you wanted to be or everything you think you’ve missed,
could ever
erase, this
love.